Has changed forever. I’ve just lost the one love I’ve ever had and the only love I’ve ever wanted. My aunt has just died recently and now this has happened. Fair enough some of it… well most of it was my fault. Why was I so blind to see what I was doing wrong all of this time when it was staring me in the face for eternity. Pretty much all my ex girlfriend wanted me to do to keep her face happy was keeping the flat tidy and being honest.

For some sick reason I’ve never been able to just be honest. I called my girlfriend out for having a wall up when in fact I’ve probably got just as big of a wall up if not worse. Why do I insist on playing stupid fucking mind games over and over and over again? She gave me an opportunity to be honest, my final chance to redeem myself and I couldn’t do it. Something was stopping me. I feel like I’ve got a fucking demon perched on my head controlling my thoughts when shit really matters.

We had a rather nasty argument, shit got said that I didn’t mean. It had no substance to it but it had a hell of a lot of toxicity to it. (If that makes sense.)… But then again I’ve always done this.  BUT WHY?! WHY?! I just end up saying things that are said purely to hurt her.

I love this woman, I love this woman more than the air I breath. My life had a purpose when we were together which was to stay with her, support her and love her unconditionally which I feel I did. However because of I had the one thing in life that I really cared about I neglected the rest of my life. I let my mind get complacent, being slack allllll day fucking around playing on COD or wanking or generally not doing the things that needed doing… like taking the dog for a walk at the right time or cleaning the flat. I know now that what I was doing was selfish as fuck. My ex had been through a lot of shit and all she wanted me to do was be there for her, help her out with the menial shit, because she was the sole provider though I should have done more for her. I should have been applying for jobs, I should have been doing this that and the other. Fuck even going skateboarding used to put a smile on her face because I was doing fuck all all of the time.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. My ex told me that she had put a bot on my PC so I’m currently doing a virus check. Only this girl would be that cool to try and get back at me for it. I’m not angry as such but more impressed.

So what should be my plan of action?

Do I bury myself into a hole?
Do I try and speak to her?
Do I try and leave her alone for a while I hope for the best.

All I know is I want her back more than anything I could ever comprehend.

This song pretty much sums up how I feel.